1019 - Spiteful Turkish delight

The Turkish woman’s been quiet lately
I used to hear her come most every night
And sometimes in the afternoon, loudly
But lately this loud woman’s been so quiet
Occasionally I hear sounds of a fight
But only using words, and then silence
Her days of fun and sex gone, now polite
As neighbour could be, now all reticence
The benefits for me have been immense
Because, unlike before, I sleep easy
Mind you, I still wake up when it gets light
Noise from the flat below invades my sense
The Turkish woman’s got a friend round, see
Their female laughter may just contain spite
Fri 19 June 2009

851 - From dusk 'til dawn

Are the folks in the flat below human?
They go to bed late, make love about 3
But strangest of all, get up at seven
Or even earlier. It puzzles me
(And disturbs my sleep…) The tension can be
So bad sometimes that even when I’m whacked
I lie there, eyes aching, clock-watching. He
Makes no noise when they shag. Has he awaked
Her or is she asleep? The mattress creaked
But nothing else. On other nights you can
Hear her a mile off, moaning, ecstasy
For peeping toms, maybe, but it’s a fact
I’d far rather have peaceful slumbers than
These rings under my eyes, this lethargy
Fri 2 Jan 2009

834 - Account of a day off work

The neighbours seemed to shag three times last night
Or maybe just three attacks of bedbugs
That made the mattress shake and creak; all quiet
Voicewise, though - no female moans reached my lugs
Despite these interruptions, aural tugs
From my own Land of Nod, I slept quite well
Got up at nine-twenty and had some glugs
Of juice, turned on TV, watched Jeremy Kyle
Exposing and exploiting chavs a while
I shaved, washed, dyed my hair, the sky less bright
As noon drew on; played swing, including Duke’s
And Artie Shaw’s top tunes. Can nearly tell
Where notes are on guitar with eyes shut tight
Then collected son from London uni digs
Tue 16 Dec 2008

743 - Turkish delight denied tonight

Two nights ago I thought, That's it! No More!
Again, just as my heavy eyelids closed
The bed below me obviously bore
The randy couple, with bodies opposed
But meeting in the middle as his rose
And fell upon his rose, fair Turkish maid
As my walls shook again, I then proposed
To myself, for the first time, to parade
About my room, stomp and bang doors. I made
My displeasure clear, let them hear. I swore
And furthermore, swore to bring to a close
This era of 2 a.m. shags that's played
Out every night. They heard me, and forbore
To carry on up the Bosporus. They froze!
Tue 16 Sep 2008

736 - Dream lover

If I stop drinking completely I find
The noisy neighbours deprive me of sleep
I become super-sensitive; they wind
Me up as I lie listening; they creep
Around, bang things and each other; they keep
Me from the point of drifting down the stream
Away from this dull, marshy plain to steep
And heady slopes where success is no dream
Gold nuggets just for me reflect the gleam
Of the still-rising sun, caressing wind
Undressing beauties, clothing in a heap
I lie at the top, position supreme
Then a bang in the night and I unwind
Unreeling, rolling through the real snow
Tue 9 Sep 2008

729 - Upstairs, downstairs

I woke last night thinking, ‘It’s an earthquake!’
But then I relaxed momentarily
Realising the reason. ‘Ah, my bed shakes
Because of nocturnal activity
In the bedroom below. Though quietly
They go about their business; no moaning
Or yelping; conscious that all sounds can be
Heard above or below, and complaining
Would occur if they were both exclaiming;
Nevertheless, this couple’s great mistake,’
I continued to muse, most shakenly,
‘Is in their absent-minded neglecting
To shift their bed away from the wall. Make
A gap, and we can all sleep peacefully!’
Tue 2 Sep 2008

563 - Treeless in Salford

They’ve chopped down two of the trees just outside
My flat, one at the front, one at the back.
Now it feels like they can all see inside
My flat, the folk at front, the folk at back.
I’d better dress well, not wear some old sack
When wandering aimlessly round the flat,
And I must make sure that I never lack
Clean underwear when I’m around the flat.
They hear everything, now they see all that
Goes on when my curtains are open wide.
They see it from the front and from the back,
Welcome, neighbours one and all, to my flat.
They’ve chopped down two of the trees just outside
My flat, one at the front, one at the back.
Thur 20 Mar 2008

552 - Biscuit box blues

Today I’ve the tools needed to create:
Laptop (though printer’s broke), guitar and mike,
Keyboard, and despite the disordered state
Of this room, and being rudely sung awake
By Saint Paddy’s day songs (that takes the Mike)
A week early, and too early o’clock,
Making me tired; yes, despite this, I’d like
To write and then make music; maybe look
At some old sonnets for lyrics. A box
Of biscuits might work for a drum. I hate
The downstairs DIY guy; now to make
His life bad too. This man don’t give a fuck.
So first, off to the shops, mustn’t be late:
That box waits there for me to come and take.
Sun 9 Mar 2008

525 - Eine kleine Mozart

It’s Mozart’s Musical Masterpieces
I’m using to drown out the floor below.
They’re playing Turkish music: my thesis
Is that a party’s coming up. Its row
Will thankfully not be heard by me, though,
Because I’m out tonight. It’s half-term week
At Josephine’s school, and my chance to show
Her books and films and listen to her cheek,
Good-natured, usually. She isn’t meek
Or mild; a spirited child. Louis is
Being offered a scholarship: Harrow,
In West London. Their film course is unique:
The best in England to attend, he says.
Meanwhile, play on, Clarinet Concerto.
Mon 11 Feb 2008

503 - Up all night

Too tired to be inspired; not enough sleep…
The downstairs neighbour in her high-heeled shoes
Kept clacking round her bedroom, and she’d keep
Turning the telly on too loud. J’accuse!
But still, she’s better than the Turk, who’d booze
And party nearly every night till four;
The loudest voice ever. Rest would refuse
The best of entreaties, retreating far.
The worst time for that to happen’s summer,
When light floods in and birds begin to cheep,
And work’s not far off. It’s the sleepless blues.
The radio played blues last night at four.
When ‘Up All Night’ ended, still counting sheep,
I felt like sleep’s detective seeking clues.
Sun 20 Jan 2008

436 - Noisy neighbours at night

Last night my neighbours were banging away
So I couldn't relax in bed. Don't be
Misled - it wasn't sex. It seemed like they
Were moving bloody furniture, and he
Or she or both of them habitually
Bang windows and cupboards after midnight
Last night I did some banging, two or three
Times on my floor with a slipper. The height
Of selfishness, I thought. Next time I might
Launch attacks with an axe in their doorway
Smack them repeatedly to death (nearly)
Hack them in the back, deftly out of sight
Or, more sanely, complain (email, Friday)
To the management of these flats. We'll see

Wed 14 Nov 2007

395 - It's funny, I'm kind of scared to tempt fate

It’s funny, I’m kind of scared to tempt fate,
By saying lately it’s been quieter
At night. Last night I slept through until eight,
And so today everything felt righter.
That sinking feeling as it gets lighter
Outside, and eyes are burning, brain turning,
Replaying some tune, melodic fighter
That won’t leave me alone, now I’m spurning.
No more nocturnal clock watching. Learning
To relax. I’ve made no more notes of late
About the noisy neighbours. They might have
Moved on, rented their flats to discerning,
Considerate people who don’t deviate
From the rules. Ahh, my nights have got brighter!
Thur 4 Sep 2007

242 - My neighbour, he's the devil incarnate

My neighbour, he’s the devil incarnate:
His ample blubber could fill shelves with soap;
His guts, if laid out in a line real straight,
Could lasso moon to earth just like a rope.
He loves to bang doors, pots and pans; no hope
Of quiet evenings or nights swathed in sleep.
To meet him at the top of Everest’s slope
Is now my only dream, in which I keep
Kicking his ass till he rolls down that steep
White mountainside at a tremendous rate.
Now the world’s biggest snowball tries to grope
For handholds, but nothing is there. The creep
Rolls off the edge and then, gathering great
Speed, flies up into orbit. Bye bye, dope!
Fri 4 May 2007

241 - I didn't go to work today because

I didn’t go to work today because
I got no sleep last night. Got up at five,
E-mailed a publisher, and then I was
All set to do an undercover dive.
But then, gosh, flippin’ eck, and snakes alive,
The moron below me starts hammering
Like Thor on steroids, making my brain jive,
My relaxation paranoid, staring
Into the void of this new day bearing
Down on my helpless shell, a real lost cause.
So I watched TV, then wrote about life,
The universe, and almost everything.
And so to bed, again, but then the roars
Of lawnmower engines rang out. Such mental strife!
Thur 3 May 2007

205 - Lain in my bed, too scared to go to sleep

Lain in my bed, too scared to go to sleep,
I hear the man upstairs stomp carelessly,
And downstairs windows slammed shut by that creep;
I stare into my eyelids, mentally
Disturbed by what has got a hold of me.
My blood’s a rolling torrent, and my heart,
Asmoulder, pumps at full capacity.
It’s not some old disease on doctor’s chart,
Or worries about life and death and art,
But nonetheless it rears up in a heap
Of piercing female voices, crying ‘See!’
And, next day, here’s the match about to start.
The bets are laid; they follow, dumb as sheep,
Through greedy gates, to hollow misery.
Wed 28 Mar 2007

117 - Revenge is sweet. Here's a cautionary tale

Revenge is sweet. Here’s a cautionary tale
Of what I’ll do if you make late night noise.
At 5.15 the Chinese girls and boys
Began to bang and crash, cry, shout and wail.
They shifted stuff, banged windows, argued loud
And long, till 6 or 7 came and went.
When all their energy was fully spent,
They huddled from the daylight in their shroud.
Their comfy little bed is just two feet
From my sub-woofer, through the thinnest wall.
After they’d had an hour or two, it all
Kicked off. Jaco’s bass thumping, jazz-funk beat
Backed up with my guitar, and also Tull’s,
And Rainbow, Love, Joy D and more sure shook their skulls.
Sat 30 Dec 2006

88 - Hey ho, high low, who the hell needs to sleep?

Hey ho, high low, who the hell needs to sleep?
Ping pong, bling blong, I don’t need it no more.
Sing song, ding dong, noise rises through the floor.
Hey ho, high low, who the hell needs to sleep?
Flip flop, drip drop, don’t need to say good night.
Blink blank, drink drank, don’t need to close my eyes.
Clink clank, sink sank, don’t even feel surprise.
Flip flop, drip drop, don’t need to say good night.
Stump stomp, bump bomp, it’s all night party time.
Bish bash, splish splash, why sleep when you can dance?
Mish mash, gnish gnash, days go by in a trance.
Stump stomp, bump bomp, it’s all night party time.
Noise annoys a nosey, so, doh si doh
Bony toe knee knows, you know. Fee fie foe
Fri 1 Dec 2006

78 - I live in the Disunited Nations

I live in the Disunited Nations:
The not-so-great wall of China divides
My bedroom from oriental dragons
Whose nightly roars I hear, though my head hides
Under covers, crusading for some sleep,
Cruel sadism of high-pitched laughs below
From the same voice that also bellows deep:
A Turk, his nightly revenge long and slow.
When both my neighbours work in restaurants,
It’s not just them - I’m up all night till dawn!
My mind is racing, though my body wants
A good seven hours sleep … I lie, forlorn.
I’m yawning as I type these tired thoughts,
And dreaming of suing them in the courts…
Tue 21 Nov 2006

44 - Last night I couldn't get to sleep at all

Last night I couldn’t get to sleep at all,
But in the end I got maybe three hours.
Same the night before. Both my floor and wall
Are to blame. I hear neighbours taking showers,
Flicking switches, the lot. The Turk below
Me has the loudest voice I’ve ever heard.
He comes home when my head hits the pillow,
And makes his noise until the song of birds
Begins at dawn, whatever day it is.
I slump at work, and just can’t do my best.
A good long sleep tonight would be pure bliss,
And three months’ training won’t have gone to waste
If I’m not tired running tomorrow’s race.
So just for one night, neighbour - shut your face!
Wed 18 Oct 2006