866 - Sermon sandwich

Now all please stand and turn to the last page
And sing, don’t just mouth the words, for God sees
Some thought that this would be a godless age
But God has made a comeback by degrees
‘Adam had ’em,’ that short poem ’bout fleas
Shows life’s never been perfect, but we hope
Some of us pray while others simply seize
But when you’re loved it’s easier to cope
He loves us all, but gives ’em enough rope
To hang themselves as they leap off the stage
And something hellbound within them agrees
But do as you are told, this slippery slope
Will turn to hardest rock, a great image
Like your saviour dying, nailed to two trees
Sat 17 Jan 2009

864 - Ad in the Daily Harp

If I was God for a day, then I would
Create lots of new Earths, fertile and blue
Like pearls upon a string, a neighbourhood
In orbit, close enough to rocket to
And maybe let us all live longer, too
Cut down on new births, stop overcrowding
Rather like heaven, it's all about you
The universe your personal plaything
The randomness of nature may well bring
Brief pleasure, but you pay for it in blood
I'd like to change that, overhaul, review
The natural order, each man a king
Is this what you'd like? If so, then you should
Vote for me, and I'll stand as God for you
Thur 15 Jan 2009

863 - God supermarket

Some gods are perfect, some have human flaws
Some gods are racist, helping just one race
Some only do some tasks and not others
Some destroy, some create, some keep in place
Some live here on earth, some are up in space
The latter are the ones you cannot see
Some are in one spot, others everyplace
Some reveal thoughts, some are a mystery
Some talked to prophets way back in B.C.
But since then have said nothing. Some had cause
To visit us down here and show their face
One even got himself nailed to a tree!
To all these gods, Voltaire gives due applause
We need them all because they give us grace
Wed 14 Jan 2009

862 - Desperately seeking God

Is God an old white man or a black girl
Or just a point of white light spinning round
Does God reside up there, or in this world
All-powerful, but nowhere to be found
Which to choose? With evidence this unsound
You're free to believe what your folks believe
To papal edicts millions are bound
From Torah or Koran rules are received
Or maybe you have your own God, who leaves
You free to do your own thing, till the pull
Of gravity and time leaves you earthbound
For evermore. This prospect sorely grieves
Before burial, before black smoke curls
Find a God, please. Look closely all around...
Tue 13 Jan 2009

861 - It's okay, he's not listening any more

God Week continues: today, the misuse
Of holy names, taking those names in vain
When used as oaths, blasphemies and abuse
Odds bodkins, God's teeth, holy shit, a saying
Has strength if it degrades a divine name
At anything young people see or hear
'Oh My God' is the first thing they exclaim
'Jeez,' 'Jesus,' 'Jesus Christ,' said without fear
Even 'Christ Almighty' at costly beer
In classical times they swore upon Zeus
Yet his thunderbolts never fell like rain
Maybe he didn't mind, turned a deaf ear
Like Yahweh, that name unspoken by Jews,
Impassive now to their pleasure and pain
Mon 12 Jan 2009

860 - An interview with God

You know what will happen, so why this test?
Why live life here on earth in the first place?
Mr Almighty, you enjoy a rest
Forget this free will crap, cut to the chase
Will we see Lucifer or Peter’s face?
Why this cruel mortal experiment
Where your rules are ignored but you still base
Our eternal happiness or torment
On our performance while you are absent?
When dads run off, things never go their best
You know your wayward kids need an embrace
Then we’ll be good, and hell’s new homes vacant
Are you placing insider bets? Confess,
And your sins will all vanish without trace
Sun 11 Jan 2009

765 - Up with the lark

What’s hell on earth? It’s getting up early
An even more ludicrous thing to do
As winter draws in, dark, cold and surly
Bed’s better, with an extra dream or two
Imagine the days of TB and flu
When factory hands and miners had to rise
By candlelight or gas lamp, no chance to
Relax with a coffee; out under skies
Blacker than the soot that would soon comprise
Their outermost skin; breathing in swirling
Dark clouds till lunchtime’s cigarette and brew
But the real sin was alcohol, advised
The preacher, warning of the hell to be
When it was a place they were going through
Wed 8 Oct 2008

666 - The sonnet of the beast

The name of this beastly verse? 666!
That’s ‘six six six,’ you daft devil, not six
Hundred and sixty-six. Oh, take your pick;
Same thing, ain’t it? Saints hate it. John depicts
The beast at the time of apocalypse
Behaving badly, more than men. He flits
And flops about, putting us in a fix
Causing us to forget the crucifix
Which has some bad effects that almost nix
Our slim resurrectionary prospects
But never fear, fear God, read his edicts
In Biblical tracts, obey Benedict’s
Dictates and those of prelates; I predict
That by eternal flames you’ll not be licked
Tue 1 July 2008

566 - Easter resurrected

It’s Easter Sunday (it’s early this year):
The first Sunday after the first full moon
After the spring equinox - is that clear?
The date Christians celebrate being immune
From sin, decay and death; they sing the tune
‘There is a green hill far away,’ eat bread,
Drink wine (but not too much), watch ‘The Passion,’
‘Jesus of Nazareth’ and that jazz. Dead,
Then, despite Thomas’ doubt, resurrected.
This story’s hard as nails: we feel the fear
In the garden; the Lord mocked as buffoon,
Then crucified - young, white and bearded.
Whether God or man, it’s hard not to care,
And so we resolve to love mankind. Soon.
Sun 23 Mar 2008

540 - Come on Archbishop

Amen, Archbishop of Canterbury
Thou art a baby boomer, art thou not?
Thou wert begat in Wales, 1950
And Blair appointed thee to the top spot
But art thou part of that ex-leader's plot
To blend Godliness with untrammelled greed?
There is no sign of his successor Scot
Being less Mammoniacal. We need
Thy help, oh Lord Archbishop. Wilt thou plead
With the God of England for unity
And holy order? Anarchy's afoot,
And disrespect continueth to feed
In fearful streets, broken community.
Let's sing the Lotto's Prayer. Or shall we not?
Tue 26 Feb 2008

387 - Sunset, pink and blue closing of a day

Sunset, pink and blue closing of a day,
Regret for those except creatures of night,
Don’t let the sun sink below, there to stay:
We set this feast before its fading light.
Our offering, though filled with fear and fright,
Will often, after draughts of wine and praise,
Quite soften her slow will; revered in white,
She suffers not, this daughter of the rays.
The red wine from her vessels now we raise
Instead of that from grape, and then we pray
Your wedding is successful, that you might
Have bled her gratefully, and fed our maize.
Her mother, for the rest of her days, may
We love her, placed up on pedestal’s height.
Wed 26 Sep 2007

376 - As we draw nearer to the pit of death

As we draw nearer to the pit of death
We become customers of religion,
Because the prospect of being beneath
The soil, deaf, blind and dumb’s not a good one.
We want our sensual pleasure to live on,
Even if we don’t quite believe in hell,
And think we might be bored up in heaven;
On lonely nights we hear that tolling bell.
Some like to mingle with church folk who sell
Their brand of salvation, consoling grief
Collectively. Some single minds function
As their own prophet, some new tale to tell.
But brave are they who draw their final breath
Prepared for probable black extinction.
Sat 15 Sep 2007

338 - "Dear alien, we kidnap you in peace,"

“Dear alien, we kidnap you in peace,”
They smiled, as the dear earth became a dot;
“We’re researching inferior species:
If you’re good, you’ll die in a zoo. If not…”
“Oh my God,” I repeated quite a lot,
Feeling abandoned, lost out in the stars,
When the chief asked me, “Which god have you got?
When I last heard, your species worshipped Mars.”
“We’ve changed to God,” I answered, “or Allah’s
His name sometimes.” “Oh yes,” said the chief, “he’s
A good friend of our own deity, but
When I was a lad they often fought wars.”
Illusions gone, despair on the increase,
I spotted a quite cute female robot.
Wed 8 Aug 2007

323 - The earth's a rotten apple, and maggots

The earth’s a rotten apple, and maggots
Crawl ceaselessly both outside and within,
Devouring, covering with slick black spots
And dry patches its once moist tempting skin.
Old Adam ’ad ’em, as did Eve, even
Though conscience told ’em, hold on, eat pizza
Or anything else that you want: this sin
Will weigh you down, at least until Easter.
Big Apple, un-Newtonian vista
That only goes up, even downtown: what’s
Happ’nin’ my man? Got flood defences in
Times Square? Beware of this hard rain, mister;
The climes they are a-changin.’ It’s sunspots!
It’s carbon! Where’s the sense in arguin’?
Tue 24 July 2007

321 - They had a hell of a fight in heaven

They had a hell of a fight in heaven
The day the devil tried a coup d’etat
He got thrown out, now twenty four seven
His pad’s well-heated and real popular.
Last time it rained like this, good old Noah
Grabbed two of everything, even woodworm
And woodpeckers, making the ark slower
Would it’ve been better if he’d wet ’em?
Another strange affair was Abraham
Who, if he introduced circumcision
And slept with both Hagar and then Sarah
Would be the father of Jew and Moslem.
Just goes to show there’s fun in religion
The kids love it and so does my mother.
Sun 22 July 2007

287 - The three ages of spirit are as thus

The three ages of spirit are as thus:
The first age is childhood’s unquestioning
Belief in fairies, Santa and Jesus,
The devil, heaven, hell and all that thing.
The second age may be dominating
By early teens, when we often reject
Religion for not easing suffering,
Youth’s arrogance promising we’re correct.
The third age waits for the long-term effect
Of disappointment, illness, loneliness
To crowd our mental soil like some creeping
Weed infestation, and we then reflect:
There must be more than cold dark emptiness;
I’m wondering now if there is something.
Mon 18 June 2007

215 - As blossom blows away and leaves unfold

As blossom blows away and leaves unfold;
As animals awake and children play;
As springtime sun relieves the dying cold -
Easter is unmistakeable today.
As, penniless, they followed in his way,
They saw Jesus heal Jew and Canaanite,
Protecting prostitutes; they heard him say
‘Give to Caesar his due.’ He prayed all night.
Erected cross displayed as Roman might;
Betrayed and lost, but, when the story’s told,
It’s love and life that spring from this decay.
As new ears hear, new minds strive for insight;
As old are cured, once blind to all but gold -
Easter, for Jesus’ sake, is here today.
Sat 7 Apr 2007

170 - Yer know that Satan? 'E's alwoit, 'e is

Yer know that Satan? ’E’s alwoit, ’e is.
I met ’im jast the avver noight, yer know,
Dahn the Dog - nah, not at the dogs - Mrs
Satan was there an’ all. ’Er name was Flo,
Oi fink, or maybe Jo. ’E ’ad to go
Soon ahfter. Devilish busy. Gweat demahnd
Fr’ is services woight nah. Gweat manney, though.
When ’e said ’oo ’ee wuz, well oi’ll be damned,
I jamped a moil, then shook ’im by the ’and.
Betta the devil wot ya know, oi sez.
’Eaven’s too full wivvaht that place below,
Oi sez, and adds, oi ’ear your ’eatin’s grand.
Listen mate, ain’t nan o’ moi bleedin’ bizz,
But when it cams ter bahstards, oi’m a pro…
Wed 21 Feb 2007

163 - Who was Saint Valentine? Well, no-one knows

Who was Saint Valentine? Well, no-one knows,
But, not surprisingly, his relics lie
In many places, testament to blows
That martyred him for Christianity.
The Roman pagans still held sway; to die
Violently was his fate, and yet his name
Has, since Geoff Chaucer, come to signify
Romantic love. But it’s a harmless game,
A challenge warming frozen hearts to flame,
Spurring the shy suitor to suit and rose.
How many born owe thanks to this old lie,
I wonder? You and I, we’re all the same:
Dependent on our parents to compose
Those corny lines leading to conjugality.
Wed 14 Feb 2007

43 - A woman worker could not wear the cross

A woman worker could not wear the cross
Around her neck. Religious symbols were
Banned, decided her Heathrow Airport boss,
Because they might offend a believer
In something else. And so the sign of peace
Becomes a battle standard. Sad, but true.
But holy armies do fight to increase
Their land and number; this is nothing new.
If I believe this and you believe that,
We’ll fight firstly with words, then fists, then guns.
I know I’m right when I say the earth’s flat.
And on my land, the fool who says ‘round’ runs.
To all believers, tolerate or die.
The mother of all battles could be nigh.
Tue 17 Oct 2006