844 - Detoxing Boxing Day rhyming thing

I forgot toothbrush, clothes and everything
In the mad rush on Christmas Day morning
The phone alarm woke me with its beeping
And half an hour later I was driving
Firstly to Josephine’s for opening
Of presents from Santa, that all-knowing
Godlike mind reader who tailors spending
To the financial status applying
To each parent, proving there’s no such thing
As a free Christmas lunch. Contradicting
This, however, was what was happening
That afternoon, after some fun playing
With J’s new games, and then relocating
To Mum’s daughter-in-law. Thanks! Nice cooking!
Fri 26 Dec 2008

843 - Christmas wishes and dishes

My mother’s house is a place of refuge
A modest detached bungalow set in
A quiet cul-de-sac, a place to soothe
The frayed nerves; mouth opens, she puts food in
She may not be an expert at cooking
But there’s nothing quite like what mother cooks
An omelette with bacon and cheese melting
Heats me up, produces ravenous looks
We both went to Geoff’s daughter’s, where we tucked
Into some turkey breast. It wasn’t huge
My dessert appetite was not trifling
Three helpings of trifle and still not fucked
And so Merry Christmas, even to Scrooge
To Santa and, of course, to Josephine
Thur 25 Dec 2008

830 - Windy wanderings

The pubs were full of Christmas revellers
While winds blew hard and rain lashed down outside
The Brunswick, Waldorf, Grey Horse and Circus
The Rain Bar, Briton’s Protection, we tried
And managed two pints, then went for a fried
In some empty takeaway joint with Coke
Recorded some pub sounds, then a piece I’d
Written the other night, bit of a joke
About those office do’s, with the drunk bloke
With roaming hands and overly loud slurs
A year’s worth of resentments he can’t hide
Goes home so pissed, he’s liable to choke
And so the grand finale of this year’s
Finally here, a foaming beery tide
Fri 12 Dec 2008

820 - Walking away from the fairy lights

Snowfall. God thinks it’s already Christmas
In truth, I wish Christmas would come and go
But I’ll be sad to see the old year pass
Another year melting just like the snow
Tread carefully on your dreamy way; so
Easy to slip. God knows I’ve ended flat
A couple of times, but it seems as though
I brush off the slush and then that is that.
Snowflakes or hailstones on umbrella. Rat
Tat tat. I’m sheltered, all is well. I cast
My flaky sight into night. Chill wind blows
Till hands and nose grow numb. Suppose when sat
Back home in the flat, with a harmless glass
Of milk, I’ll chill out, then hug the pillow
Tue 2 Dec 2008

477 - Christmas cheer (and beer)

Well, that’s another Christmas Day gone by.
I’ve had my fill of whisky and of beer
(Peroni), and the time did kind of fly,
Coz I was pissed and somewhat out of here.
Josephine liked her bike, and soon we were
Cycling along a Wilmslow country lane,
Up Strawberry Lane, past the stables, quite near
The duck pond, then the Racecourse, then Oak Lane,
And Moor Lane, back to our own house again.
Soon after, we drove, collected Millie
And Michele, then at Grandma’s we’d appear,
And there we had turkey, ice cream, the same
As previous Christmas Days. Then time did fly
As I knocked back my whisky and my beer.
Tue 25 Dec 2007

476 - Would you Adam and Christmas Eve it?

My brain is in a spin, a spin it’s in
The clock’s hands spin and whirr like buzzing flies
There’s so much to do, so much to begin,
Like wrapping presents. Well, that’s no surprise:
It is Christmas Eve, after all. Sainsbury’s
Is where I need to go to buy some things
For my needs and also the family’s.
I’m sure I’ll be spending some more shillings
Before the next few days are through. The sting’s
In the tail end when your head starts to spin
Again, this time at your bank balance. Why’s
It that bad? Oh no, it’s no use blaming
Santa. What about drinks, food, trips to kin?
But till then, enjoy whisky and mince pies!
Mon 24 Dec 2007

475 - I'll drink to that! And that!

The winter solstice passed us yesterday;
Now the sun is returning its warm breath,
Slowly at first, but soon it will be May,
When winter never existed; no death
Can threaten springtime, when we all unsheath
Our stamens and our stigmas to the sky,
Unravelling the hidden underneath,
Exposing, pollinating, things that fly.
But first we eat and drink cold weather by,
Storing the energy we stored away
At summer’s end, the chattering of teeth
Replaced by tongues chatting, lip-smacking pie.
So let’s be grateful for the grape and say,
A Merry Christmas, and the best of health!
Sun 23 Dec 2007

471 - A novel approach

I’m off work today. First, I’ll write this, and
Maybe a bit of novel; then to see
My little Josephine in what is planned
To be a Christmas play at school, but we
All know that sometimes things go wrong. Maybe
She’ll throw a hissy fit like last year, when
Grandma and Grandad, her mother and me
All got there early and sat waiting. Then
She refused to play guiding star. And send
Santa away, she’s scared of him! And stand
Well back, coz Jo and mummy are poorly
With colds and bad throats, too. Well, it’s year’s end.
But before I go out, I’ll try my hand
At writing prose. (Harder than poetry!)
Wed 19 Dec 2007

460 - What a pantomime!

Slept till 8.30, looked at emails, then
Drove south to Wilmslow through rain from Salford,
Having remembered to pack book and pen
So I could write these lines just like I should.
Met wife and daughter by the notice board
That says ‘For Sale’ at the front of their house.
Wife went for haircut, we went, as rain poured,
To return library books. Quiet as a mouse
Daughter was not. Saw Santa. Filled our mouths,
Then rested, watched TV. But at seven
We watched Cinderella in panto. Lord,
It’s 35 years since I did that. Chose
Macdonalds drive-in meal for Jo, and when
Near home, egg fried rice, with curry sauce poured.
Sat 8 Dec 2007

459 - Mistletoe and lots of wine

A Merry Hicmas to you, one and all
May wine and whisky flow in endless streams
With turkeys flying overhead that call,
Hey, gobble gobble, eat us in your dreams.
Good will to men will reign, or so it seems,
While Christmas trees are upside down and filled
With foaming red wine drunk by kings and queens
Who look like you and me, but none is spilled.
There’s wine that’s mulled, and also some that’s chilled,
So take your fill, quaff it all at the ball.
This fruity liquid pill is full of beans,
And to be sure your knickers will be frilled.
So Merry Hicmas, pick a glass that’s tall
Knock it all back, and then enjoy the scenes.
Fri 7 Dec 2007

454 - Darkmas

The reason why we all party like mad
Get drunk, celebrate Christmas and New Year
Light candles, eat, the lot, really's quite sad
It's because otherwise there is no cheer
At this time of year. I hate December!
The long nights, the low sun that blinds the eyes
The cold...Staying indoors bores, and that's the
Real reason for the partying. Get wise
To the bullshit of it. But good sense flies
Up the chimney when you're a mum or dad
And you've got little ones, hits Santa's rear
As he squeezes and wheezes, eats mince pies
Then lies down to recover. It's no fad
It's an ancient need to forget our fear

Sun 2 Dec 2007

447 - Winter ponderland

My neck's aching from turning round to see
The band play in the pub on Friday night
I'm still relieved we saw Lincoln City
Play Notts County on Saturday. The fright
I had when trapped in Chesterfield, that fight
To get through the cars, pouring into town
Like Christmas locusts that focused my sight
On the passing time, existential frown
In the style of Brel or Morrissey. Down
Goes yet another year. Agreed, Johnny
Logan, what does it matter? We turn white
Reflecting winter's cliched image found
On bargain boxes of cards Sainsbury's
Sells. Hear the Christmas bells. Unsilent night

Sun 25 Nov 2007

427 - Stopping Christmas shopping

The Christmas tree now stands in Sainsbury's
As you go in to shop. You're bound to stop
Astounded by the early nagging. Please
Don't play that Christmas pop yet while I shop
Gold star, your hold atop this silver prop
Of tinsel will intensify the till's
Tinkling, as your twinkling makes young eyes pop
And poppas ill with whopping shopping bills
This Scrooge-like killjoy cantankerously wills
The cancellation, please, of all of these
Festivities that chop down pines. They drop
And fester, wilting with wallet appeals
Listen to me, you glisten and you tease
But this has got to stop. Out of my shop!

Mon 5 Nov 2007

112 - It's been a good old family Christmas Day

It’s been a good old family Christmas Day,
The highlight being a quite scrumptious meal
With turkey, sausage in bacon, some real
Tasty veg, crackers to pull, jokes to say.
I couldn’t put away any more food -
My stomach’s not trained to accommodate
Such quantity (or quality) of plate -
I was content with that already chewed.
I drank whisky and then lay on the floor,
Not in stupor, but playing stupid games
With Josephine and Millie. Both their aims
Seemed to be to cause maximum uproar.
We watched three soaps: two main characters died.
All’s still now - such excitement must always subside.
Mon 25 Dec 2006

111 - Bare branches through a steamed-up window pane

Bare branches through a steamed-up window pane.
A TV noise from under the floorboards.
The washing machine is now out of pain,
It’s scream subsided. (Has it been to Lourdes?)
Its vomited offerings adorn the room,
Carefully displayed on radiator,
While ironing pile higher than Pharaoh’s tomb
Waits for almost as many millennia.
Meanwhile, among the unread books, papers,
Forms uncompleted, pens, beermats, guitar,
The unwrapped presents whisper: ‘Forget us
If you dare, mister.’ Can’t avoid that chore.
The preparation’s almost done - hooray!
Now everyone have a great Christmas Day!
Sun 24 Dec 2006

110 - I'm not dreaming, and it's a grey Christmas

I’m not dreaming, and it’s a grey Christmas
(Unless that silly weatherman’s not right).
I’ll need more wrapping paper, and a glass
Of whisky when the wrapping’s done tonight!
Don’t forget vegetables, milk and bread,
As well as the more glamorous seasonal stuff.
There’s too much information in my head…
I’ll have to jot it down; my memory’s duff.
Now off to Sainsbury’s over the road
To stock up for the next few festive days.
I hope the grannies have all got their load,
Their trolleys filled and emptied, out my way.
I can’t wait for some roast spuds and turkey,
But no sprouts please - I think they are yukky!
Sat 23 Dec 2006

109 - The music plays and we forget our cares

The music plays and we forget our cares.
The womb of tune and rhythm absorbs us
Like ancient weavers lost in making wares
For their bazaars, near Tigris and Oxus.
The Spanish guitar speaks of blood and love,
As flighty fingers clack and heels click time.
The famished beggar smiles at God above,
And ravaged hands clap to rhythm and rhyme.
Forgotten outcasts set up street parties
In deepest Bronx, and rap Christmas wish lists,
While Hottentots and Hutu detainees
Bang drums and chant, eternal optimists.
Let’s all make music - it’s free therapy,
Draining us, cleansing us of all worry.
Fri 22 Dec 2006

108 - Just one more day of work to go, and then

Just one more day of work to go, and then
Some days of peace and love and happiness.
Some days we get more, some days we get less,
But working isn’t working, like my pen.
I work hard, I write little, if at all.
I come home and I’m just too tired to think.
Christmas will come and go in just a blink,
And the new year will rise and then will fall.
But it doesn’t make sense to get downcast.
Nothing can be changed; what will be will be.
It’s out of my hands, but I can still see
The future could be better than the past.
Let’s just accept things as they are and live,
And to those who’ve done wrong, try to forgive.
Thur 21 Dec 2006

107 - A teacher got told off for telling kids

A teacher got told off for telling kids,
Aged nine, that Santa Claus does not exist!
Parents in uproar! She is on the skids,
Exiting school in Exeter, unmissed.
Well, not quite true - she’s just Rudolf-red-faced,
Her realistic reign dearly paid for
With reprimand and news articles laced
With jolly seasonal guffaws galore.
Meanwhile the reindeer gallop gallantly
Above, as school kids laugh behind her back.
Saint Nick is sick at the lack of chimney
Stacks, and also concerned about the sack.
Now it’s half-filled, with no metal or glass,
And no whisky while working at Christmas!
Wed 20 Dec 2006

104 - Christmas crawls closer - clinging clanging bells

Christmas crawls closer - clinging clanging bells.
Candles and cradles - cakes and cooking smells.
Come all ye, come three kings - a new king dwells,
Commanding kindness, casting cares down wells.
Now Bethlehem is Bedlam - five gold rings
For Beth, Belle, Billie, Babs and Bobbie - bling’s
What brings their blessèd bright beautiful wings
To break into broad flapping, fluttering.
The boldest, brashest, brightest flashing lights
Bedevil, befuddle Bible-black nights,
Blinding and blizzard-like, their blazing whites
And blues are like a blitz that spits and bites.
But e-mail your emotions as a child,
When, even once a year, good fortune sweetly smiled.
Sun 17 Dec 2006